Wednesday, September 23, 2009

back in secondary school, i fucked up. i fucked up real bad. ordered a 14 dollars per head buffet meal for 50 pax, order 10 9 dollar keychains as farewell gifts for seniors all the while keeping the school out of the loop. i allowed myself to be filled with grand visions and ideas when i was 15 years old and got carried away with it.

every since then i stayed away from being the number one in committees.

now i find myself in a position where i am number one. and everyone has this idea that i am really responsible and capable. when i really am not. what i have been successful is only to bullshit my way to a positive rep. but i fuck up. and with all these expectations. i disappoint.

fucking up scares me. money and reputations are at stake. it used to excite me listening to nsync's tearing up my heart. but today i had it on loop on the train to school and my mind drifted to that farewell party i fucked up in secondary school. it brought me to a very dark place. and my perpetual headache.

i am very afraid.